Here I am in Northern New Mexico on a week long meditation retreat. The gong is ringing vibrating through my body while it’s still dark out, 5 am wakie wakie – time. “Oh my gosh I’m so tired, did I really pay for this willingly.”
There I sit the first day, Second day, third day, blaming my teaching for me being there and I cannot walk out and disrupt the room. I have to sit there ugh. My dear friend who goes to Bali on month long silent retreats every year advised me that the first few days are really tough, no kidding, you don’t say. But, she said by the 4th day you get into a groove. Hence, the power of a longer retreat. For three days I was forced to be with every single intense emotion, and reluctantly. I was training to be in reality, to be in my body. To process this grief!
A few months prior I had loss my adopted grandfather, we weren’t related by blood. But, one of the beautiful things in life is we get to choose our own family, my own family. He was my family, my best friend. The grief of this loss within my body was excruciatingly painful.
I wore the same cloths, could barely eat, and I wanted to escape. I didn’t want to live in reality. It was just too painful, too much to process. The reality of everyday knowing he is gone, no longer here. As I kept sitting with this intense desire for escape, I had another deep desire within me telling me to go on a silent meditation retreat. It’s almost as if I could hear him, (not audibly) but a nudging from within, since he’s always within me, connected. To pack up and go on that week long silent meditation retreat, one I’ve been wanting to go on for quite some time. Up till then I only had gone on 3 days long. I thought okay, I’m going, nothing like perfect timing of right now. Being that It was very hard to go about my day to day life. with the heaviest weight of grief I’ve ever experienced. So, a week long in Silence meditating in the woods, here I come.
I sat there on my cushion and sobbed, mostly throughout the whole meditation retreat. So many tears cleansing and healing me. Between the cleansing moments. I got to get to know my rage, restlessness and this emptiness of my loss of not going to see him again. That hurt really bad.
In one particular afternoon as I sat there eyes closed, legs crossed on my cushion, silence in the room. I felt one of the biggest surges of energy roaring within my body. I’ did feel kinda scared it was so intense that my body began to shake and I got insanely hot. I wasn’t aware of what the emotions were. Because by this time in the retreat all the practicing of just allowing all thoughts and emotions to arise and without a story or judgement and gently bringing my attention back to my breath or a focal point in my body. My mind now wasn’t really labeling everything anymore. So as my body continued to shake faster and faster, heart racing, sweating, and then just like that all of a sudden, an incredible amount of tears started to pour down my face and sounds started to come out of my body. Emotions releasing. Healing was happening.
This happened for probably a few minutes, I had no control. This is what I’ve been practicing for all day, everyday after all. And it was now happening. So, after a few minutes all of sudden my body felt calm, the tears stopped, and I felt fully at peace. I felt okay. This is when I learned the power of being with our emotions in a safe and supported space (I definitely recommend this). And allowing it to just be, with no story, no holding it back, just allow it surge up and out.
Our emotions are energy, and they get trapped in our body. I had a breakthrough after that, knowing that I didn’t die when that happened and I knew I’d be okay. More than okay. With my heart really busted open now, I could really feel much deeper, all emotions. And to me that’s living.
Feeling my feelings – is to experience the experiences of life.
This meditation retreat had wonderful meals and we would walk into the woods everyday mindfully taking life in. Receiving energy from everything and my favorite, the biggest most beautiful strong life force of ponderosa trees ahh these trees really are incredible. Taking in life, natures energy, the sun, the babbling creek and every second missing him. But, as the days went I also simultaneously could feel him, my grandfather with me. He loves being in nature, after all he grew up in Africa and was the one who introduced me to a more mindfulness way of living. He was with me right there on my cushion during sits, walking in nature, eating nourishing food. Never apart. I was learning how to be with him in a different way, on a different realm. Does this make sense?
That retreat gave me the opportunity and space to learn this new way of reality of really living, instead of moving towards numbing out and escape from reality to not feel pain or anything uncomfortable.
As a bodyworker-healer, I already knew from training and working with people that this doesn’t work. One can only shove it down for so long until it manifests into something bigger within the body. Sometimes Into Illness, chronic pain, anxiety, depression, addiction, or just pure numbness- dead inside etc. and this is something I didn’t want to happen. I didn’t want to be physically alive but, really dead inside. So I chose to lean into the pain and go on that week long meditation retreat.
if you know you know.
I cannot stress enough how a mindfulness practice can be such a helpful-powerful tool to help you heal and move through things in life.
I’m still learning and growing from a mindfulness, meditation practice, even after 27 years of practicing. I’m still blown away by it. It has become a part of me and one of my strongest tools I have, to help me in life and with anything.
If you’re interested in learning meditation to help you too with being with your emotions. So you can move through grief, trauma, anxiety, chronic pain etc I’d suggest finding a meditation group in person or online. Having a group support especially in the beginning and having a teacher to guide you. I found have that to be extremely beneficial. If you also would also like to work with someone on one on one I have sessions available as well.
I hope meditation can help you heal and help you in life as deeply as it has helped me.
Until next time, keep smiling.
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