Not Taking Things Personally

Why can it be so hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt? Instead we take it personally and make it about ourselves. I have struggled with this in my life and it also has happened to me. And when it does it certainly stops me in my tracks, and I think “oh gosh, is this how it feels to be wrongfully accused”. I genuinely feel awful and think “that totally wasn’t my intent at all, and I know my tone and words are not always going to be perfect,, because no matter how hard I try – I’m simply not perfect, no one is” For a recovering perfectionist this really bothers me. But, then I realize even if I hit it on the nail polished perfection it could STILL be taken wrong by someone. Ugh what a bummer, right?

Well, as I reflect I’m reminded of a powerful truth. And that is, I am not in control of people. So, now what, what do I do? What do we do? We all want to be perceived in a certain way, well, it’s fair to say most of us do anyway. 

Step one do my best, do our best, step two correct and apologize if needed, step 3 don’t take on their stuff. That sounds so simple, right? 

I go deeper in this and think how can I or other people give the benefit of the doubt if we are coming from a place of – I’m not enough, I’m bad. It’s so easy to feel triggered when wrongly accused of our intent, because if not aware our inner wound can activate, as a trigger. But, also in another regard to this how can we give the benefit of the doubt when we don’t ourselves give ourselves that same kind of grace. 

To add to all this, If we also hold ourselves to a perfection standard, most often then not we hold others to that same perfection’s standard too. We get appalled, hurt, frustrated by them. There that need to control others is rearing its head. 

If you could just do this, do that, do it this way, don’t mess up so my life can stay smooth and easy so I don’t also have to learn to be flexible then we can all be okay. Right?? Funny how it comes back on us. And then it becomes oh it’s sensitive people. Should we tip toe around them, sensitive people, unhealed, unaware people? Should they become less sensitive? Where’s the middle ground? I feel I’ve been navigating this my whole life, being on both sides. Accusing, being accused. It’s about me ahhh 

I think both sides giving the benefit of the doubt is a necessity. Because usually it’s not always ill intent. We are all dealing with inner stuff, being overwhelmed, with anxiety, or an illness, depression, fear, worry, feeling tired, navigating the weight of grief, pressures of life, hormones or whatever. And we are trying to do the best we can. If we can come from the stance it’s not about me then we can give grace and the benefit of the doubt. It’s definitely not easy all the time. But, being responsible for our own triggers, healing our trauma and being aware, present with our own inner world, we can have more of the ability to not link the two together. Hence being able to give the benefit of the doubt and not take things so personally. And simply see it for what it is and not make it about us. Sure we can all work on tone, having pleasant energy to be around, smile more, talk with a more gentler, kind tone and use better words that don’t activate defensiveness. But, we are going to mess up and have bad days. But, also, even when we ace it, someone can still perceive us wrongly. So the bigger picture here is do our best. AND give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m always grateful for when these kinds of things happen. Where I’m in a season of accusing and not giving the benefit of the doubt. And then it flips and happens to me repeatedly. So I can really see the lesson. Leaning this lesson will be so freeing though. Much less stress in my life but, also less friction in relationships and with myself. I also want to add even if someone does do something with ill intent it’s still not about us. Lashing out, punishing isn’t a way to handle things either. Well, unless one wants to stay toxic and have unhealthy relationships. 

So let’s come collectively from a place of grace. Giving the benefit of the doubt even when we don’t understand fully. 

I’m going to extend grace as I would want grace to be extended to me too. 

Until next time – Keep Smiling