Are You Having Trouble Trusting And Being Both Feet In Your Relationship?

Trusting Is Possible

I have been on this self discovery journey of how to be both feet in a relationship, as it has seemed that I would always bump up against that I can not fully trust someone. 

These questions would swirl around in my head?  Thinking one day I will have an answer and will be able to relax, trust fully and have the relationship and love I’ve always desired.

How can I really know if I can trust this person with my heart?

How can I really know if when things get tough in life or when our relationship hits a bump that he won’t walk away and abandon ship, leave me?

How do I really know if he is and will be faithful as in not cheating?

Have you ever asked these questions?

The problem here are not the questions, actually they are great questions to ask in the beginning stage of a relationship. In order to guard our hearts, observing someone’s character is very important.

So, really this would mean slow it down and allow things to unfold, allow the real person to be revealed to you. 

A committed, healthy, long lasting relationship can not be rushed.

It takes time to build anything good and solid.

Let me get back to those questions though.  When I would ask these questions I would realize that all the assurance in the world would never be enough for me.

What would happen is when I would get the assurance I would feel assured and confident for that moment or day then I wouldn’t again.

I would become very anxious with constant doubt about the guy and the relationship. 

I would then feel so overwhelmed and riddled with anxiety and because I didn’t want to feel that way any longer, as well as I couldn’t get the clarity I needed, if this person is trustworthy or not. –  I would then just go ahead and sabotage the relationship in some way.

What I realized is that NO one can assure us 100 percent that they will not hurt us in a deep way, fall out of love, or cheat on us, etc.

I had to radically accept this for myself. That I could not see the future and I could not know what someone else would or would not do with 100 percent guarantee. I have zero control over anyone’s feelings or actions. 

I understand hearing this can anger you or scare you, this truth of reality.

I know it did for me. 

Please stay with me here. I have a very important point to make in regards to this.

We can know that we deeply love this person and want our lives with them, and feel that they too feel the same way.

Yet, even love, and marriage is a leap of faith.

Everything is a leap of faith.

Being an analyzer and being able to calculate everything is great and yet, humans make mistakes. We just do. It’s human.

We could even make a mistake that we thought we would never ever do.

Realizing this freed me from holding myself and someone to this unrealistic expectation to be perfect in every way and promise to never ever make a mistake.

This just isn’t realistic.

I am not saying that it’s okay for someone to lie and cheat or abandon ship when things get rough. And yet, that is that choice and everyone like ourselves have the right to do what we think feels right or not even if it doesn’t seem right and hurts us. 

The point is we can not control someone else’s thoughts or behaviour, everyone on earth has their own journey.

Even by trying to be so perfect, and hopefully you had some time to see this person’s real character to notice how much they love, and adore you. And how they handle things and would fight for the relationship.

In my mind though, I felt I had to be guaranteed in some way in order to relax and trust that person.  In order for me to be both feet in.

I would have expectations for them to meet so that I would feel assured and so that I could relax, breathe, trust that they do love me. 

I would get so focused on it that I would eventually lose myself.

This behaviour would push him away and would only make me even more anxious and distrustful. This would then make me want to break up with them and not care anymore. 

I would always be making a case for them or against them in my head, putting their actions in categories, if I could trust them for the long hall or not.

Because of this I would be one foot in, and one foot out just in case.

Needless to say that this behavior and way of thinking kept me from love and the kind of relationship I had always wanted. I only knew what I knew. The simple truth is I was trying to protect myself from getting hurt or abandoned.

I was doing only what I knew to do to stay safe until I learned a new way and until I was able to look at my fears more closely and deal with them.

What I learned is that instead of being 100 percent guaranteed that they would not cheat or hurt me in any way, I learned to have a guarantee and believe within myself that no matter what happens I would get through it, and I would be 100 percent okay.

I even had to let go of the guarantee that “we would get through it”. 

This doesn’t mean I wouldn’t pray about that or believe in him or us, and or our ability to get through things.

Because I believe without a doubt with all my heart that a couple can overcome and resolve anything! YES! EVERYTHING! 

Together where love and commitment lies anything is possible.

It meant that no one can give me such guarantees, I can’t even give that guarantee to myself. 

I do NOT have control over if my partner would “want” or is able to do the work if and when hard times arise. Just like I have zero control over when he will die or I will die for that matter.

I would hope he would want to resolve things if it came to that, and yet we simply do not know the future.

People make mistakes.

We have to be prepared and realize that our partner is imperfect and so are we.

We can not be blind by this.

We can not be perfect no matter how hard we try!

I’ve learned to focus on now that my trust lies more on that all things will be worked out for the good from hardships and hardships gives great opportunities for deeper closeness and healing rather than trust in a person solely. 

My perspective has radically shifted.

I used to think of trust as something I would stand on that came from the other person in which they provided for me.   Now I know it comes from within myself. That I have me, and I’m never going to abandon myself, and no matter what happens I will be okay, and I will get through it, and come out even better than before. 

By having guarantee that my trust is in that no matter what happens in my relationship, I will have the strength, and the ability to be okay. And that I will get through it!

This is where the guarantee I was searching for and needed lies! 

I also know that getting through something doesn’t mean it won’t hurt, or it won’t be hard.

It means I will survive through it, and I will be okay, and I will also be blessed, comforted, and supported through it. And I trust that good awaits me on the other side of it.

This is what I hold on to now!

This is my guarantee so that I can trust.

Until next time – keep smiling.

The flesh peeled right off me as I went through this process of how to trust in a relationship, so that I can be both feet in and not sabotage.

I will say though this process was down right ugly, messy, painful, I’m so grateful I stuck with the process.

Now I have the possibility of the love and relationship I have always desired in My life. And with anything I desire.

By taking the leap of faith in love and life, knowing no matter what happens I will be okay.

This is freedom to me, I now can be free and light to enjoy life and my relationship fully.

I know that hard times will come as they are part of life.  I learned to not be afraid of it.

I don’t want to close myself off from my uncomfortable feelings anymore, as when I would do that I also cut myself off from joy, love and peace too. 

A heart is either open or closed.

I want to live openly in my heart, I want to live fully, and requires leaping into the unknown

if would like to learn more about how to trust, the steps to get there email me at Lisa Alarie Coaching to set up a coaching session. Would love to work with you and help you over come this obstacle that is holding you back. Warmly, Lisa

Not Taking Things Personally

Why can it be so hard to give someone the benefit of the doubt? Instead we take it personally and make it about ourselves. I have struggled with this in my life and it also has happened to me. And when it does it certainly stops me in my tracks, and I think “oh gosh, is this how it feels to be wrongfully accused”. I genuinely feel awful and think “that totally wasn’t my intent at all, and I know my tone and words are not always going to be perfect,, because no matter how hard I try – I’m simply not perfect, no one is” For a recovering perfectionist this really bothers me. But, then I realize even if I hit it on the nail polished perfection it could STILL be taken wrong by someone. Ugh what a bummer, right?

Well, as I reflect I’m reminded of a powerful truth. And that is, I am not in control of people. So, now what, what do I do? What do we do? We all want to be perceived in a certain way, well, it’s fair to say most of us do anyway.

Step one do my best, do our best, step two correct and apologize if needed, step 3 don’t take on their stuff. That sounds so simple, right?

I go deeper in this and think how can I or other people give the benefit of the doubt if we are coming from a place of – I’m not enough, I’m bad. It’s so easy to feel triggered when wrongly accused of our intent, because if not aware our inner wound can activate, as a trigger. But, also in another regard to this how can we give the benefit of the doubt when we don’t ourselves give ourselves that same kind of grace.

To add to all this, If we also hold ourselves to a perfection standard, most often then not we hold others to that same perfection’s standard too. We get appalled, hurt, frustrated by them. There that need to control others is rearing its head.

If you could just do this, do that, do it this way, don’t mess up so my life can stay smooth and easy so I don’t also have to learn to be flexible then we can all be okay. Right?? Funny how it comes back on us. And then it becomes oh it’s sensitive people. Should we tip toe around them, sensitive people, unhealed, unaware people? Should they become less sensitive? Where’s the middle ground? I feel I’ve been navigating this my whole life, being on both sides. Accusing, being accused. It’s about me ahhh

I think both sides giving the benefit of the doubt is a necessity. Because usually it’s not always ill intent. We are all dealing with inner stuff, being overwhelmed, with anxiety, or an illness, depression, fear, worry, feeling tired, navigating the weight of grief, pressures of life, hormones or whatever. And we are trying to do the best we can. If we can come from the stance it’s not about me then we can give grace and the benefit of the doubt. It’s definitely not easy all the time. But, being responsible for our own triggers, healing our trauma and being aware, present with our own inner world, we can have more of the ability to not link the two together. Hence being able to give the benefit of the doubt and not take things so personally. And simply see it for what it is and not make it about us. Sure we can all work on tone, having pleasant energy to be around, smile more, talk with a more gentler, kind tone and use better words that don’t activate defensiveness. But, we are going to mess up and have bad days. But, also, even when we ace it, someone can still perceive us wrongly. So the bigger picture here is do our best. AND give people the benefit of the doubt. I’m always grateful for when these kinds of things happen. Where I’m in a season of accusing and not giving the benefit of the doubt. And then it flips and happens to me repeatedly. So I can really see the lesson. Leaning this lesson will be so freeing though. Much less stress in my life but, also less friction in relationships and with myself. I also want to add even if someone does do something with ill intent it’s still not about us. Lashing out, punishing isn’t a way to handle things either. Well, unless one wants to stay toxic and have unhealthy relationships.

So let’s come collectively from a place of grace. Giving the benefit of the doubt even when we don’t understand fully.

I’m going to extend grace as I would want grace to be extended to me too.